Awkward

It's kinda bullshit when people find out your deepest secret and spread it.
But I can't do anything.
Past is past.
I gotta move on.
Just act like nothing and I'll be damn good.
When I tried to step back, you came.
So sudden.
But why?
I thought you would not be that bold enough to greet me.
I'm sorry , but its really a major turn off when you knew.

I knew it's just a game for you and me.
I'm playing hard to get cause I'm not cheap as the other girls.

And it's awkward.

Kryptonite

My biggest fear would be, getting a call from my home that my parents are gone.
My biggest fear would be, having a fight with my best friends.
My biggest fear would be, everyone laughed and booed me cause I'm such a loser.
My biggest fear would be, I let people who has high hopes on me feeling down.
My biggest fear would be, realising that I just let go of someone who has been waiting for me.
My biggest fear would be, giving hope to someone that I don't even know that if he is meant to me.
My biggest fear would be, didn't get the best results for my exams.

We just can't stop worrying what will happen in the future.
I am full with curiosity.
People see me as a weird person.
One in a million.

I am full with secrets.
Maybe with friends, I am the most outspoken , the craziest but inside , nobody knows.

"I know when you laughed , I know you're having problems"

And who is it?
My own mother.
I can't imagine losing her.
I'm still not ready.
Ya Allah.

Heart

I am so sorry I had to do this.

I never expect someone like you would come to my life.

Someone who would accept me for who I am.

Someone who texted me everyday just to make sure that I am okay .

For sure, I love clingy relationship.

But I never expect it will be you.

The first I met you , I thought someone like you would never ever look at me.

Because I’m hideous and I am not smart and I am not rich.

I love you.

But it’s just that sometimes I couldn’t go on with this kind of relationship. 

I just died inside.

I just don’t want to give you more hope.

Because it’s unfair.

I feel that you deserve someone better than me.

Someone that worth to have you.

I don’t have that kind of criteria you’re looking for.

I can be a heartless ego bitch .

And if possible, I don’t want to do that to you.

Because it is not fair for you.

Let me cry everyday so that I can see you with someone who deserve you.

Definitely not me. 

I don’t want you to cry just because of me.

Trust me, I am not worth it.

I don’t deserve you.

There’s a lot girls out there who deserve you .

I can’t go on like this.

I knew something like this will happen in the future.

I am truly sorry .

I really want to be with you, I really do.

But its just that I feel you deserve way better .

Not me.

I’m tired of crying.

My eyes hurt and so do my heart.

I have to let you go.

This is so unfair.

Unfair.

Truth

This time entry, I'm not going to write about my life anymore.

I just felt that I've been exposing too much of my life.

So after this, it would be random stories or based on someone that I know.

Before this, it was my last entry about my stories.

I have this one story which started like this,

There are three person involved : X (boy) , Y (girl 1) , Z (girl 2)

One day (those typical one day) there is Y, who has a crush on X. 

X is quite famous and kind-hearted.

Y is really pretty and smartass whereas Z is just an ordinary girl (almost a potato like me)

So Y had a gut and texted X first.

She texted in a flirty way to X and said she wanted to know X better.

Well, it sounded desperate (yes it is and you wouldn't expect someone that is really quite and has low profile)

As a typical guy, who doesn't want to be with someone who is pretty and smart at the same time?

X and Y have been texting and calling almost everyday (some of their friends knew about this).

So it seems that X started to have feelings to Y too (who doesn't?)

They were playing love all this time and they walked from class together and sometimes they are seen together (dating)

It seems that everyone started to notice including Z.

All this while, Z was keeping to herself that she has a crush on X. 

But she decided to keep a secret and doesn't want to tell X cause she doesn't want to look desperate and she always said to herself that "girl can't confess to a guy because it looks desperate"

That's her daily motivation about love.

So one day, everyone was busybody to know what actually X and Y 's relationship.

Basically they said to their friends " we are just friends, nothing more"

Lame.

Nobody believes that because they saw what happened in front of their eyes.

At the end of year, X suddenly said hey to Z.

Z was excited and she replied back with full of hopes.

So during the holiday , Z and X were kinda close and they were being flirty towards each other.

As a girl, Z was happy because she thought that the guy of her dream likes her back.

Z was in love.
 Really really in love with X but she didn't want to say it and she didn't want to admit that she's in love.

After the break, Z told her close friends that she had a thing with X.

Z didn't know it was her biggest mistake.

(Z regretted until now)

X was being denial that he has a thing with Z because he really likes Y.

X prefer Y more cause it will raise his social stairs since Y is really a top students and pretty.

While Z is completely nothing, completely invisible to X.

There was a fight, but X and Z completely doesn't want to meet each other because of their own big egos.
The both of them are egos.

Z really hates Y because Z never thought that a girl like Y would do such thing.
So Z labelled Y as whore, slut, desperate , bitch and etc.
It was true.
If Z doesn't like that someone, until forever she will not like that particular person.
That is Z.
Cause she's tired of forgiving peoples cause she knew people will make the same mistakes all over again.
What's the point of all that?


You know what, I suddenly feel tired and not in mood writing this story cause its fking long. So that's it.
I'm sorry guys.

Secrets

What is love?

I had no idea.

If you're asking 10 person, every each of them will give different answers.

My answers?

It's a secret. 

But what I know, love is complicated because if love was easy to get, there would be no divorces, breakups, abortions and many more.

"Love is blind"
Yes I agree.

Because you just don't care about their looks if you really love them.

You will accept them for who they are.

You just need to remember that people have flaws too.

If they're sensitive, messy, have dark dioramas, or whatsoever, just remember, there will always good in them. You just need to find them.

It's not about the popularity, academics , hot bikini bodies (well, if you get them, it's a bonus)

but its about the heart.

Love takes time.

You just can't force people to love you or like you.

Fyi, love and like are way different things okay. (note this guys)

This entry is actually my advices to all girls out there about love or relationships.

(I'm not a pro but hey at least right?)

These are based on my experience, books, friends and families.

(no copies please)

1. For those who's really in love, but afraid to confess, just confess to him but make sure that HE IS WORTH TO GET not some random bad boys that you found on the street. 
2. Do not over think about what he's going to react. Just confess and let go of your burden because you're keeping it so long. (don't think what he's going to react)
3. If he rejects you, you should know that there's a lot more guys for you out there but God haven't send them yet.
4. Be sad for a while (if he rejects you) but not too long and move on because at last he knows about your feelings and he's the one who should feel terrible because he just lost someone who loves him.

"WHY SHOULD I FEEL SAD? I LOST SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVES ME BUT HE JUST LOST SOMEONE WHO LOVES HIM"

These words are my daily motivations.

Chin up girls.

Yes, I did get rejected one time.
Well, at least I know he's not for me right.

Like Ed Sheeran always says :

"If you're looking for a partner to fall in love with , fall in love with their eyes because eyes are the only parts that doesn't age. So if you fall in love with their eyes you'll be in love forever"

"People fall in love in mysterious way"

It seems legit and it's definitely true and please follow these advices.
And one more thing, never expect something that you're expecting because obviously , it will go other way round (believe me)

If you're expecting some good morning text, believe me , it's not going to be.
If you're expecting he apologies, suck it, he's not going to because of his big ego.
If you're expecting he's going to be serious to be with you, there's no way cause he never let you sees his parents or (admits to his friends that you guys had something special).
I know all this stuff based on people's stories , my own experiences (read my previous entries for more info) , my friends, my families, my siblings, my enemies, my rivals,

Simple tips :

1. Never fall in love too fast (looking at the mirror for a while)
2. If he looks good to you, know about his personalities first (you can see when he's with his friends , teachers , or based on how he wrote)
3. You can see if he's giving clue if he likes you too but never got excited (maybe you're in one of his games)
4. Never give hopes (harapan) on someone. Seriously, it was my biggest mistakes. So, don't do it.
5. See his reactions if you're sulking.
6. Get to know how big is his ego. If he's toooo ego, leave him for God sake . Let him feel the shits because of being too ego.
7. If he's stuck to choose between you and another girl, leave him. His immaturity already shows that he can't make decisions. (ini namanya tamak)
8. If he reply your text messages when he's playing game, that means he truly loves you.
9. You need to know that they have other priorities. So if he's not replying, husnuzon la sikit (bersangka baik) , maybe his phone is still charging, studying, eating and many more.
10. Let your insecurities out . But not too much
11. If he's serious , he will let you to meet his parents and get to know each other (not by posting status on Facebook, that is childish)

Well, that's it (actually I can make into 100 list) but neh haha

Last quote,

"You can't force love. It's there or it isn't . If it's not there, you've got to able to admit it . If it's there. you've got to do whatever it takes to protect the ones you love"

The point is, you don't have to be worried.
Allah knows when you're ready.
Your 'zaujah' will come eventually ;)
This love thingy, is suitable as stories for future generations.
Because the real thing, you can't tell anyone or express.
But if you really in love, that's when you just can't stop smilling wherever you go, when you always think about someone in your heart.

"If a girl is in love, she can't stop smiling. If a guy is in love, he can't stop telling about his special one to his friends"

I promised to myself, never fall in love easily because I'm the one who get hurt in the end and not him.
When you're crying under your blanket, does he do the same?
No, right?
Meanwhile, he's with another girl seeking for love.
He's not worth it.

Just remember, if a guy cried because of you, he truly loves you.
Keep him because he's one in a million.

Should I continue to write about love ? I think I shall stop but we'll see :)

Weak

I promised not to cry.

But I did.

I was too weak.

I've been waiting for years and finally the truth comes out from your mouth.

Thank you.

I didn't know why I suddenly asked you the questions.

I feel that it was the right time to ask you.

I asked you what mistakes that I did?

I was too curious.

I dreamt about you last night.

Saying that you're going to be the love of my life.

I know it doesn't make any sense, but I dreamt about you.

I hope what I was dreaming did not come true because I had enough.

The conversations that we had.

How can I remember to forget?

When my heart just won't let me.

I thought we had something.

I wish I could hate you,

So that I can let you go.

Wish I never met, the one I want the most.

I could fill an ocean,

with all the tears that I cried.

Tell me you were joking, just a dream I had last night.

How can I remember to forget?

Like we never happened, make my heart a break.

I need to ask you because I don't want ended up being old and wondering by myself.
If our conversations two years ago meant something to you.
You said yes.
I knew it.
I was never wrong.
I felt the same too.

But what did the mistakes that I did?
It is basically I did tell my friends that we had conversations.
But is it wrong?
I need to share to my friends because I'm tired of keeping this alone.
I felt I was going to explode.
That is why I told my friends.
Please understand.
You only know your problems but you never asked for my problems.
Which is sad.

Now I know the feelings.
Never be in a relationship but I was treated like a princess.
I guess it was mistake.
I shouldn't give hopes to you and neither do you.

"If I read our conversations 2 years ago, I feel like crying"
I said that.
You felt really guilty about it.
Really?
Or you're just trying to escape from everything that you did to me?

When you told me everything,
I did not feel upset, but I felt happy because you finally told me eveything.
All I want is HONESTY.
Honesty is really important in relationships and you made it.
But it was too late.

You know, when I'm really in love, I only look at you.
I'll love you without any boundaries and I will not fall in different guys in the same time.
Only you.
But I got cheated.

"She came first"
That's your excuse?
So how about my feelings?
You think I'm just a cigarette that you can throw away after using it?

Feeling sorry but without an action is like, nothing.
It's useless.
Action speaks louder than words.

You said you didn't want to hurt my feelings,
so giving hope is not one of them?
Think.

I know I'm not perfect.
You basically told everyone that you're not really interested in my laugh.
I know it's loud, it's annoying.
But it is who I am.
That's my trademark that people will remember until the last of my breath.
But you seems not to appreciate it.

You said you didn't realise what you were doing.
I just felt that it's an another lame excuse.

What if I did the same thing to you?
What will you feel?
Instead of pleasing eveyone, at least, please consider about what I'm going to feel about it.

I guess I was weak to believe in eveything what you said.
My best friend said
"What a sad excuse of a dick"
"He's playing you"
From the beginning.
And they were right.
I was pretending everything was going to be okay
But it turns out like this.

I was wrong.
I'm weak.
I'm vulnerable.
But in the end, although you said you still had feelings for me,
I felt nothing.
You were too late for that.

P/S : Thank you to all my friends to give me positive comments about my blogs.
Everyone seems to love it.
Thanks for the support and I will sure to write more in the future although my posts are mostly about serious stuffs :D

Judgemental

Some people who has the biggest laugh, the brightest smile, has problems in their life.

But, people think otherwise.

Why?

"She is looking for attentions"

"She doesn't have the good attitude for laughing like that"

"She laughs too loud"

"I wonder who likes her"

"She's annoying"

Trust me. I was in that situations. Oh wait, I am in that situations.

Sometimes people judged without knowing what's behind my curtains.

What of they're in my shoes.

People are being judgemental and concerns on the idea of what's pretty.

When I'm being outspoken, people would be like : 

"She's showing off on what she's got"

"Nobody cares"

I hate when people thinks I like to show off.

I hate when people thinks I only befriends with rich kids.

I hate when people thinks I only eats at fancy restaurants.

People and their judgement can't be separated, 

I also did the same thing, but I only did it when I saw that thing in front of my eyes.

I don't easily believe on what people told me.

Imagine one day you fall in love,

He knows you like him.

But then people came and said to you :

"He doesn't like the way you laughed, he doesn't like you attitude."

"He can only accept you if you change your attitude"

Imagine what will you feel?

It hurts like a lot.

You can feel your heart can't stop pumping.

As there was a thorn in your heart.

These pictures is clear enough.

It is crystal clear that nobody's perfect.

Yes I have flaws too.

So I'm going to find someone who can accept my flaws.

People makes mistakes too.

A quote says that 'Good people are like candles, they burn themselves up to give others light'

Go find someone who can accept for who you are.

I learnt that lessons in the boarding school.

Love doesn't mean you have to own it.

I don't care about losing people who don't want to in part of my life anymore.

I've lost people who meant the world to me and I'm still doing fine.

Who cares about those judgemental bitches.

They are going to judge us until the world ends.

I'm serious.

I'm getting really tired of losing people.

The way I wrote this, isn't it clear enough that I had been through a lot?

You're the one being judgemental. Don't blame me.

Sometimes, jokes doesn't right in the wrong time.

You can make jokes but not about sensitive topics.

People can get mad easily when you touched sensitive issues.

What if I did the same thing to you?

Think.

"You deserve the kind of love you would gibe someone else"

Who cares what people are going to think.

Just go for it.

People are being judgemental because they don't know about your daily life.

They will say bad things about you but guess what? Who cares?

Just go on with you life right?

And fall in love with someone deserves your heart. Not someone who plays with it.

Be with someone who wants you to grow old with.

We often constantly torn between "if its meant to be,it will be" and "if you want it, go get it"

That's why you need to make a smart choice instead being rush.

Just remember, silence doesn't mean you are weak. 

Stay strong

And who cares what people are going to think.

You can throw your finger at them instead (if you're brave enough)